Laziness

La-zy- adjective: 1. adverse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent
2. slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy stream

So I am in an extreme state of Lazy these days. It is a chronic problem for me but it has hit a peak it has never quite reached before. It is most obvious in the current state of my house. I swear if someone broke in to rob my house they would turn around and walk out thinking that the place had already been robbed. I am doing better at keeping up with the dishes but that's about the only thing that is getting done in the house these days. I am not exaggerating in anyway. I will post pictures if people really don't believe me. You can't walk through the house without tripping on, stepping on or being jabbed in the foot by any number of toys, silverware (clean that the kids have deieced belong on the floor), clothes, towels, blankets, pillows, empty boxes, bits of trash.

Ok so I say all this not just to whine. I seriously want to change. I hate living this way this is in no way what I want for my children, myself, or my home. I know it is more than just the season, which totally plays a part for me. I am starting to think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I am just so overwhelmed by everything. I really want to be motivated to get up an take care of this. This playing out in more than just the housekeeping, though that is the most obvious. I am not taking very good care of myself. Most of the time we don't eat breakfast or at least noting of any substance. I am not getting any exercise at all. I am not making any effort to do fun things with the kids. I can't remember the last time we sat and did a craft.

I want to get off the couch, well futon, and be outside playing with my kids. I want to really be excited about planning and starting our garden. I want to have the desire to keep my house in order and not just crisis clean when I want to have people over. I want to have a good routine with the girls. I want to engage them in activities that we will all enjoy. I want to be myself again.

Maybe it's Dave being gone that has exacerbated this. I feel like half of me is missing. We have been in contact as much. Its hard not having my best friend, my sounding board, my counselor, my love.

It is more than that though there is a piece of me that feels like it's dying. It's a tiny ember deep in side me that just wants to be stocked in to a roaring bonfire. I just can't find the fuel. What is the fuel that will ignite the blaze?